A Start To Cleanin' Up This Mess

i hope after today, things will change for me and i will be able to clean up all the mess that i've made. i havent been updating my blog for a long time. and i dont really wanna let everyone know what's been going on. but im at my dads house right now. i jus finished talking to my dad about 10 minutes ago. he always has to talk to me about what i've done and i always get grounded after. but today i finally told him "i love you and all, but the reason why i didnt tell you this was cause i didnt want to hurt your feelings.." he said he understands that, but how can he help me if i dont help him. & i was thinking to myself, "how can i help you help me if i cant even help myself" but i told him "the reason i act the way i do is cause i've grown up with you not being there as my father. i'm a teenager now, and i've grown up being used to you not telling me what to do." the whole time he was talking to me, we were in the car. i didnt look at him, i kept my eyes straight. i didnt open my mouth or anything, i jus cried my eyes out. he told me that he thought he was helping me by doing what he does like nagging on me and stuff. but he said it seems like its only hurting me more. i love my dad and all, but its like me having to inform my uncle or stepfather about where and what im doing at all times. or even worse, its like me having to tell all that stuff to a stranger and thas kinda what he is to me. i'm even more comfortable with my grandparents than him. he lost his daughter a long time ago when he signed the papers.